Letter to my lost self.

Hello Love,

Here, I am, doing an open declaration just for you even though you know how much I hate confessing and acknowledging my feelings. However, to win you back, there isn’t anything now that I won’t do.

We go years back and I remember, some eight years ago, we started having problems. I think, it was the time when I was becoming more aware of my surroundings and people around me and I think it was in that same time period that our relation started to drift- not apart, I don’t think, it was drifting apart then. There was just, this drift. One that you could see with a naked eye.

You were adamant. All the blame rests on me. You told me to be vary, you told me not to fall too deep into emotions and dreams based on complex and untrue relations. But, I was too blinded by what I wanted. I kept on pestering you and you tried telling me all the things I was doing wrong; electing wrong actions, rooting happiness on false hope. Stupid, as I was, I didn’t listen to you.

I think, it was karma maybe. You remember, when I would read some new novel or watch a movie and instantly, I would be disgusted by the female character because they would be selfish and blind to the obvious in front of them. I would curse them and promise myself that never would I ever become anything like those characters.
In the end, I became the worst of them all. I became them all and never even realized it.

I am sorry. I really am. I ask you to forgive me.

When you left or rather, when I pushed you again and again until you left, did I start to realize the extent of my mistake. You were everything I hoped to be. You were there, always, again and again, not leaving me, even after all my attempts of pushing you and breaking you and hurting you. You stayed. You endured all of my brutalities for my sake. Because you loved me enough and I never realized it. Never.

You became all I ever wanted to be and I became all that I never wanted to be.

In all those years of my torture, that you had to go through simply because you would not leave me. I never once realized my mistake and instead I went further deep into the cobweb. I ventured on and made the same mistake all over again. But there was a difference in my mistakes. They were not literal in identity.
The only difference was, every time I would make the mistake again, I would venture deeper into the false emotions. And in the end, all the it did was turn to sharp edged glasses and my did it it pierce every inch of my heart.

When the pain was too much for you to see, you turned your back. It was too much for you, so you disappeared. When you left, my whole world fell apart. I realized how big a part of me, you were. You were all of me. You filled me and then one day, there was a hollowness inside of me, where you used to be. It is like being in a asylum, the dark walls, dry in texture but wet with moisture. The stillness of the white, dim, shimmering light without any source. I constant humming of the silence. And the never ending pit, with uneven blotched surface.

I like to believe that you are still somewhere inside of me. That you are just hiding away in your pain, leaving me to see the hijacked truth of what I had done and become.

In my hype of seeing people, meeting people, pleasing people, I lost the myself. I lost who I am. And, the people I am running after, never once saw the part of me that was no longer with me. And then, all those years ago I would say, I lost a part of myself when in truth, I betrayed that part of myself.

This is the part where the hero changes. He realizes his mistakes and does everything in his part to redeem them. This, here, that is what’s happening to you and me. I realize my mistake.

I promise, I will find my way back to you. No matter, how long it takes. I will prove to you that I love you, just as much as you love me. Because, the truth is that I need you. Without you, I am lost. I need myself to be myself. I need to be myself to be able to live in this world. I need be my whole, to be able to keep people at bay. I need you by my side to then become all that I hoped to instead of being all those that I detest.

I promise I will find you and then I would not let you go, never.

Always and Forever,
Naba M.