Casual Friday evening

Spring vacation hit the corner and what we desi families do is pack the bags and hit to the family far away.

That’s what my family does at least. Even though the whole was being renovated, a call came and the distance of 5 hours was not seen a difficulty for a even a 3 weeks baby.

All the kids who had no school came a day before weekend and the rest working men would come after their work shifts. Sitting on a Friday evening, everyone around the house. Doing their own things.
Some watching the match.
Some playing with the kids.
Some writing.
Some playing cards.
Just some casual Friday evenings.

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That’s what families do. Sitting around casually.

-Naba Mehdi

Naba Mehdi

Soul. Body. Mind.

We all got these. That’s what make us alive. The reason we are alive, literally. It’s what make us pieces of meat move around in the world.

No one knows yet what a soul is. We all have our myths and assumptions. Some say its the key to life that our soul is sucked out of us and we die. It’s keeps us alive.

We all know what body is. The hands I am using to type this is part of my body. Pieces of meat, supported by bones and covered by skin. That’s what body is.

And then there is this mind, brain and mind are two different things. Brain is a neurological specimen that commands aur body to move about whereas mind is a conscious state.
The thoughts that flow through us, the awareness of being alive, are all done by the magnificent mind.

Now, these three things are supposed to work together. There is a veil between the three of them inside of us. We are not aware of it like we are not aware of our souls and brain and skeletons.
The conscious state, the physical body and the soul are all interrelated.

For most of us that veil is broken, for almost all of us. And we do not even try to repair it. We do know acknowledge it. We go on doing what is expected of us ignoring the thoughts that surround us.
If you try, you can talk to your conscious mind and feel it talking back to you. You can hear them disappointed for being ignored and left off for so long. They help you all the way long. They help you without your knowledge and without getting anything in return. All the thoughts that surround you, that help you have ideas that you show to the world and gain points are their doing.

The veil that is broken needs to be mended. It is necessary to make you work properly and with the hidden knowledge of yourself, that you hold inside.

Look inside of you, there is so much to be seen, you are full of things that needs your attention. Your soul needs your attention. It is always there for you in time of being kind and just. Its invisible or rather Smokey and gaseous, whatever form, it exists.

Your mind exists, it talks a lot because it’s attention seeking. It’s a kid.

Pay yourself some attention. Look inside of you.

-Naba Mehdi

What is society??

We are society. We are made of it. We make it. There is no outer force called society. We ourselves create barriers for us and refuse to admit it to the world so we name it society. Society is a way of blaming every one in a committee because that’s what it really is and all of us has a Vito power, we have that power over none other than ourselves.
It’s our own fault that we assume that others have that Vito power and not us because all of us are trying desperately to prove ourselves the innocent of us all.  Like all what we try to prove of ourselves is that we say nothing and do nothing and hold no power over anyone or anything yet society crushes us down.
People we are society. All of us. We live together. We make the rules. Apply them on others but when they fall on our porch we hold ourselves back and blame the society.

That’s what I think. I am a girl. I hate this. Being a girl keeps me from so many things boy my age can do easily.
My cousin, 3 years younger can drive and have a bike but I am not supposed to because I am a girl and too young and Immature.
We are supposed to hide our bodies. The tradition is cover your head in front of your father, that’s what most mothers advise their daughters in Asia because that disrespected the fathers.
If a girl is raped or harassed or any of this sort of thing happens to her, the family is disgraced. Why? The girl had to put up with everything. She was wronged. She was used. But somehow the family is the innocent party and are disgraced and disrespected.
These are just somethings that are widely common. I see them and feel them because I am a girl. I am sure boys think they are used too. I try to think of their perspective but I can not go to that depth.

These are some common things you find around. If someone speaks against it, they would be stopped following that somethings are the way society works. We can’t do anything against it. We have to cope with it because we live in the society. We have to run with the society.

The only question that pops up in my mind after all this is, who is this society? It is a person? If so, then where can I find him and stop him once and for all. But I don’t find him ever and no one seems to know the whereabouts either because he’s scattered all around. He’s all around us. He is us.

We can break free of him too but we are dependent people, we are scared to stand out alone. We need to hide ourselves in a pack of people, we need to belong somewhere, with someone.
But that’s not how its supposed to be. We are strong enough to stand out alone. We are strong enough to tolerate the talks of society we leave behind and why not, they talk when we are with them too, we just ignore it and talk about the next in line.

It’s a mess but we can break free. I will break free. I will stand out alone of need be. I will not be society. I do not need to run with it. I need to do what I want to do. I will.
And if we see it this way, then we are all free. this world is free, we are free to do whatever we want, the only thing that holds us down is this society, that we are part of, ourselves, but refuse to admit it.

I, Naba Mehdi, is free. I wear the sash of freedom.

-Naba Mehdi

 

At The Start Line.

There was this big cricket match today, India versus Pakistan. A lot of hype. It began and everything happened, not the topic. Somewhere the end, something hit me. There was one of this batsman who scored half a century and the crowd were cheering for him.

That’s when it hit me.

That man out there, he has something to go on for. Some purpose to his life. A field he has chosen, that crowd cheering for him, that’s his dream. What’s mine?

They show it in movies and write it in books that when we are kids, there is some dream of yours. Something we want to be when we grow up and parents know about it too. They help us achieve it and motivate us.

Sadly, this doesn’t happen in real life. Here no one asks us what we want to be, no one asks us about our dream or anything. We live our lives normally, like everyone else does. We do what is expected of us rather we do what 20 neighbors of ours, of our same age does. We study, try to remember our courses to get good grades but understand nothing from it. Its a race, that we are all running into.

There is this Indian movie, Tamasha, in the end the guy narrates a story and that fits perfectly true,
The guy says, I am normal, mediocre, i am that guy with the brief-case who walks on the pavement, surrounded by everyone like me. That I am running in a race, but there is no position that I achieve, I don’t come first or second or anywhere near the line, I come in with the people who are normal, ordinary and yes, this race that I running in, I don’t even know what it leads to. I am here because everyone else is, because I was pushed across the staring line and I couldn’t turn back them.

In that moments when the batsman was getting the appreciation and cheers, it hit me that I do not have a purpose in my life. I know that already. I have debated several times with myself upon this and silenced myself saying that this is because I am only 17, I am too young to have any. That’s what i hear others say too.
But in those moments something felt different. Something hollow. That maybe i should have it. I have to have it or else what am i doing with my life.

Nothing is clear, I know and I also know that it’s okay, in life nothing is clear, right? That’s all okay but I need to know a reason why I will spend my time studying chemistry or Physics. Why am I breathing? Why is any of us breathing? Why are we wasting this oxygen when someone might inhale it and make something good out of it.

It’s always been there. This feeling. But its growing now and I will need to feed it. I will have to.And it can only be fed if I make some purpose find some purpose, do something that is cheered upon, maybe. Make something of this life but not the way most people think they do because most don’t. Most waste it. I am a teen and that’s okay, I need to start making my life extraordinary now, from this age, doesn’t matter what people says.

I have to feed this soul, this souls that demands something, demands to be recognized and felt, I have it and ’tis my duty to do so.

Because no one will push those who feel like I feel to do step on the start line of in there teens, here is me motivating you,
You can do it. You are supposed to. Doesn’t matter what people say, they don’t live inside of you, you do. Do it even if you are 15. Change the rules. Rule the world.

-Naba Mehdi

Choosing Your Own Family.

So we all have families and those of us who don’t have them, we want them. Family is kind of what we live for, who help us, sticks by us in sickness and in health. Family is a really funny concept now, ( I mean not disrespect), there are some seasons and movies now a days which just emphasis on the importance of family and they are always there with us in the time when we really need them.

Family is constant, it’s defintions for us varies.

Usualy what happens is, your parents and siblings are sonsidered as your family, they teach you that you need only trust them and that the rest of your blood relations maybe your familly but you can not really trust them or count on them.

That’s what I don’t like. I don’t agree with such implications. Family is someone you love and they love you, those who give you the extent of the love you deserve, those who keep up late at night not because you ask them too but because they can feel it inside of you.

That’s family is for me.

Being a Pakistani family, I have a lot of cousins. Its normal. 15-2- close and than there are those distant ones. You grow up with them, think of each other as brothers and sisters until someday someone plants the seed that only siblings are real family.

I grew up with two girls my age, I took them as my sisters, always thought of them as one, until, my own sisters grew up now, its supposed to be this way that I must be comfortable with my siblings, they are my sisters and my family but I am more comfortable with the ones I grew up, the wave of feeling I get for them is more sisterly than I ever imagined possible for myself feeling. They are my family.

Along with my sisters i grew up with brothers, too. They are older than me. 8 and 9 years older. Now the funny thing is, they are my cousins but I always called them bhai (brother) because that is what they are too me but in our society, cousin marriage is legal and mostly found, keeping that in mind no one thinks that cousins may actually be brother and sisters too. When i tell people about my brothers they look at me suspiciously as if the next thing i might say is that i am secretly in love with them. But what is that is not the case. What if the feelings i have for them may purely be brotherly and there’s for me sisterly. I feel it as insect. I know that is not what is it, but because they are brothers for me, it feel it incest when someone says about it.

That’s not it. Family is not only blood relations, it can also be people you meet along the road, those you touch your soul, you call them friends, some of them I call family.

I had two best friends, them I considered family, a boy and a girl. Not only friends but family. I would stick by them. Be there for them and they have proved to be there for me. People called us names, raised fingers at us but because we were a family we stood by each other.

Its not even religion limited. My aunt was a hindu. My brother in law a Christian but once they came into this family, my family, I have began to love as my own. They are my own. I love them and they love me.

That’s the point. Don’t think that only your family, or parents or siblings are your family. Your family is who you choose. Who you choose to love and protect. Who you want to see thrive and for who you’f give away your life. You can have brothers and sisters of your own choosing. That’s what family is.

I have my family! Both my brothers and sisters and friends. They are my family. I love them as much that I can’t hear anyone make accusations about our intents for each others. Even them about each other.

That’s it. I have chosen my family. They are mine and i am there’s. I am not always be with them. We may vary on our paths but no matter the millage between us, the love we keep for each others in our hearts is and always will be as pure as anything ever can be. A one word and we’d be there for each other.

So choose your own family and love them with all you have. Because in the end, family may be all you got.

-Naba Mehdi

Be kind and Humble.

We meet new people everyday. Some pleases us and some we don’t like very much. Those we like, we try to stick around them. Get to know them, understand them, stand by their sides in all through life. They mean something to us. We care about them. There longs a lust within us that has eyes only to understand them, see through the dark parts of them.

That evolves as our purpose.

Yet, so consumed by them we miss out on someone far more important than them. Some one we need to know and understand. We need to start loving them and that is possible only if we acknowledge them.
That is none other than ourselves.

The first aim that we need to have is to get to know ourselves that is if we want to make this life meaningful. Personal-discovery!

We are given a brain, a mind, a soul, a physical body. That’s what we are made up of. We know it yet we never acknowledge them. They make us whole but we keep them all apart from each other, probably why our brains don’t work that much or why we do not have a rather active conscious or why we are not fit in health.

But we go on pretending that if that’s not the case as if getting to know yourself is not a bit important and getting to know other people, trying to love them is. If you do not love yourself then how could you love someone else? You don’t tell your children about it, don’t talk to them about it, then how are they supposed to know, how will they ever learn to love themselves, learn the flaws in them.

Be kind and humble with yourself. What you desire is right and yours. You are not wrong or crazy, just a little different and that is no crime, being different.

Why most people choose to take their lives in their own hands and end it is because they want to love themselves and they do but the world they live in won’t let them and then they prove to be the bravest of us all and kill themselves. Put yourselves in their shoes and walk a mile!

Thus, getting to know yourself is important. Learning to love yourself and be comfortable with yourself is necessary. We need to stop looking for others to comfort us when we have ourselves for that, us, who better to understand out brokenness then us.

I do not yet know how to get to know me. No one talks to me about it so i am figuring this out on my own. But i try to build a bridge between my brain and physical being so my mind and soul can reunite once and for all.

P.S: Getting to know yourself is not realizing what you like to eat in dinner or which is your favorite color rather your dark and deepest thoughts and desires that you won’t even let surface to the realms of your brain, those thoughts and making peace with them, that they are indeed right and you love yourself enough to make them come true.

-Naba Mehdi

A Sacred Religion.

A strong word Religion is, so familiar yet so unfamiliar. A word that carries the burden on whole world on its own.

Religion is something we are not supposed to talk about. We don’t choose them either, we are born into them, they are passed down to us into our legacies and we spend out whole lives defending them.

When you say the word Religion, it sounds heavy, bringing tiny specs of fear to you. You immediately feel it as your responsibility to respect it. Just a word, you don’t see Religion, a word that have yourself, yet it holds so much power over you.

Then there is sacred, a word never done justice to. Doesn’t ever get the respect that it deserves. There are these sorts of words like it that never get there justice.

There are many Religions in the world, but there is this one that no one accounts for, LOVE.

I know, you see the word and you think of a vulgar, third class, degraded, ran beneath the foot, teenage toy. But its not. Maybe it is now but that’s not what it is supposed to be. I don’t know of there was ever a time when people really understood the meaning of it. I think not. No one has ever really tried looking into the depths of it, no has ever tried, no one wants too.

Its a common word, yet sounds so strange when said out loud only as if its Taboo. People cling desperately to it but show it not. Use it’s name for all the wrong reasons, yet keep hope from from the goodwill of those four letters, burning a never blowing out matchstick that lights the inside of those dark and haunted hearts sowed between those high walls.

Do you know what love is?

I don’t. but what i know is, it’s not what we think it is. Its something more and big, and out of the grasps of our imagination.

Its a Religion.

Its something more than words could put. Its holy and sacred. Its a feeling. Its when you don’t let go of some. Its a mystery. Its power. Its controlling someone. Its getting inside of someone and untangling all the mess that is there. Its finding there heart, their true heart and hold it in your hands to feel, to caress it. Its wild. It fills the world around us, its in the air we breathe, and the water we drink.

Its nothing. Just a figment of our imaginations.

Your heart just missed a beat, right there, it fell down, like being crushed, you were hoping for something more and were disappointed.

Its true. Its all in our heads. Our way of comforting us through this vile world but now that it has traveled through the beginning of times, maybe we have created it to exist. We are maybe its creators. Yet a creator unknown to it full merits of its creation. That is now disappointing.

How we have degraded it.

Its not the only feeling in the world, there are many others, so vast and vicious is the list that we seldom confuse them with one and another. And so we shamelessly fall into the trap of others thinking its love and fall deep into the wrong roots, when we realize the mistake that we had made, its too far late to rise again from the abyss, filled with false hope and the pressure of being wrong, we make it wrong.

This word is so rubbed these days. Everyone seems to be falling in and out of it so easily. The calamity of the words, I Love You, does not make it so. The narrator says it and the receiver lustful and hungry to hear the false, believes it. Love is to be respected. It demands to be felt deeply.

Love is not like other feelings, its huge, desired, a hope and full of authority. The drawback is that too such a great power, only a few can truly be faithful to it, faithful not to the lover but to love.

Its is supposed to an abyss that we fall into, and the walls of those must be of our love and care for the lover. The intensity must be felt. The heart feels it, its time you realize that it does.

No one really does justice to it. Not I or you. Not this post even. This post is a failed attempt of trying to explain it.

-Naba Mehdi

 

Demon inside.

This is me. A bad and ugly picture. A one I would or no one else really would share on their social media accounts. Its not suitable.

I agree.

I agree, its that evilish look that this picture presents. A demon sort of. The Satan maybe. But what if its really me. What if its what I look like from the inside. None of us are pure or holy. We all have demons inside us. A monster that is filling us all from inside.

Lets being at the beginning.

When we come into this world, we are neither fully holy nor a monster. There is a tiny part of us, inside of us that is a demon child, a monster at birth. That’s it. That’s all the evil part. And there is this pure, this holy part of you. You are full of it. Outside and inside, that’s all that occupy you. The greatness and softness and being nice and polite and kind and pretender and all the world demands of you. You rejoice it. You rejoice the fact that you have something the world love, praises. That maybe you are one of those few people of the world who are actually true.

So lost in this flattery of outside. We forget that one little part of us, the demon child. We pretend that it doesn’t exist to begin with. And carry on with our lives. That monster grows though because no matter how much we deny its existence, it’s still there. It’s still a part of us. Us all.

That’s what darkness inside of you is. That’s what makes you feel so dark and dusty because while we are busy pleasing the world outside by our sweetness, that monster grows, it feeds on our soul, beats the tiny shreds of kindness we have, the dark wins over light. Its all happening, all inside of you or have had happened.

This darkness is an army, an army of none other than the monster you neglected all your life. Once it has taken over. Once it has over thrown the kingdom and sits on the throne inside your head, that when you realize of its existence. That’s when it hits you. That is when you fall back on the chair with a full pull and shake your head in your hands hoping to whip it or move it, dis-balance it but you fail miserably for it has roots deep, so deep that no matter how much you shake it, they won’t shrill an inch.

You fall into depression. You are scared. You resent the monster that now, you fear people may see it and resent you so you put on a face.  A face of pretendence, a face of pure goodness and nothing else. You heal yourself from the outside, shield yourself from any attack, the shield is strong, none can penetrate it but you feel like dying just the same. You feel as if someone is sucking the life from you. You gasp for air but none comes for your aid. Weird you think, it surrounds you, you inhale it, you feel it, feel it touching your face, nose and eyes and ears but none seems to be working its business.

Why is it happening to you? You never did anyone wrong. You were always good to everyone. Yes, you were, to everyone but one. There is this one, important than everyone else, the one inside of you. The one you have always been so ashamed of to show to the world. That’s what killing you. Revenge is a fatal thing, my friend.

That’s what happens. That is why most of us are scared when the lights turn off, when the world you live in becomes is dark because that starts remembering you of the darkness and the monster that now you hold in you. It becomes hard for you to breath and you shout for someone to switch on the lights and you sigh then.

This is me, the real me. Maybe and probably I’m worse then this, more deadly and fatal and dark and the monster inside may be worse then all of yours but I am not scared of it. I am not ashamed of it. I am not wearing that flesh anymore. I am telling you of the a flesh-less me that hungers for love only. I accept this demon inside of me. This monster. I am not pretending. I am not a pretender. I am not holy or pure. I do bad deeds all the time. Things i should not but yet still I am comfortable them most of you.

This picture symbolizes that! That I am a monster, I am but just ashamed of it. Not of who I am.

-Naba Mehdi

 

Suffering from depression

I am a patient suffering from extreme depression and the best part about it that I enjoy it. I like it that I am depressed.
That may sound a little strange but it is true nonetheless and this is because only when I am depressed is when I am on the outside what is am from the inside.
You know when you are depressed, the following two things are really important to note, for those who are putting their first step into the wild and torturous world, from the long with standing members of it.
Firstly, being depressed is not wrong, it means that you are not fooled by this bright and shiny gold plating done on the exterior of this beautiful and simple world by the group of people we call society, of whom our families are pretty much scared off. It means that you live in the deep interior of the world so polished over the exterior and being there, in that huge space, alone, fills you with sadness. Sadness of not being with your family, sadness of missing them, sadness of not rescuing them too from the malicious world but also the anger and disappointment somewhere in your stomach, that people you loved with all your heart, the people that you called family cast you aside so easily without blinking an eye as if you meant nothing to them, as if all they ever said was a huge lie. The feeling of being manipulated and deceived somehow ends you up in what the world calls depression.
The people on the exterior, who polish and corrupt even the most pure of hearts calls this depression a sin because they know, it will loosen their hold on the exterior and all the birds in the interior will finally be free. So they use our own world against us to hold us captive.
secondly, if you suffer from depression, it is only then you find who is really loyal to you and you will not be surprised to often find yourself alone standing in the midst. Do not be alarmed and hurt on such a finding rather cherish it as an opportunity to love yourself and find yourself from the abyss of your heart. Finding your true self is what really matters and there can not be a better opportunity to do so.
So, if you are depressed then don’t be sad, after all you are the one who uses their brains that God gave you to use.
If you have problems and that depresses you then I believe you, I believe that your problems are way more serious then mine because only you know he intensity of it, only you know how deep the cut is and just because you are 17 does not mean your problems are any less serious then that of a 21 year-old,  or that 21 year old problems are not serious as 45 year-old. The problems you face are for your age and that makes them as important and serious then anyone else’s!!

-Naba Mehdi