The idea is that you go out in the wilderness and you contemplate; about yourself, all that you have done- you try to rediscover yourself. That is what people usually do, when they are in visble nature.
I did that too, two years ago; I did that, at 6 in the morning at the top of a mountain. It didn’t do me much good. You see, I couldn’t throw it all away, all that I was trying to leave behind, I couldn’t throw it all away from that mountain. I couldn’t let go.
Last week, I was faced with the dilemma of a similar situation but only the silhouettes were a different shade of black.
I had it all perfected, before I went. I had already decided that all the way up the hike, I would put on my headphones, not skip songs, and not talk to my companions. They kept talking about how I am weird because I wasn’t talking to anyone. Little did they know of what I was trying to accomplish; myself.
I did exactly as I had decided. I focused on my surroundings and drowned the remains of human existence through the music that blistered in my ears, all the while, trying to feel one connection with myself, a tiny spark, just enough to keep me going. I needed that desperately, I needed to know that inside I wasn’t the hollow person I had turned myself into. All of my dreams that had vanished into thin air, I needed them back; I remember how it felt to have them and then to lose them. I wanted that inspiration to run through my veins again, to feel the motivation, this urge to get up and DO. I even wanted a connection to the darkness, to the darkest part of me, to the hurt and the pain, anything that would beat this numbness on my epidermis.
And then there was this fear, what after numbness? What would I have left, if not this numbness? Would I just burn and turn into ashes, not taking up on the chance to become dust; blowing up into gazillion of pieces, scattered all around the world.
That way, I would miss the chance to live, with a thousand other stranger’s dust, at a bookshelf, miles away from my home. I would not get to become a part of a desert. I would not get to touch a strangers face, with my whole being in a dust particle.
To die in ashes and not evolve into dust, was a failure, which I couldn’t endure. I felt this sudden urge to try and find myself harder than before, and I tried and again and again and on went the cycle, until I reached the top of the mountain and still felt the hollowness, with nothing to throw of at the edge of that mountain.
On my way back, I decided to think as to why I couldn’t feel myself, within myself. I came up with the realization, quite soon.
For a number of unknown years, I had become to scared to look at myself. Off course, I was taught this, by many people of all ages, to not accept your nakedness; to be afraid of your nakedness, to hide it off, from the world and from yourself.
This is not about clothes. Nor am I taking about modernization. I am talking about, you looking at your nakedness for more than 5 seconds.
Accepting who you are, in your most raw form, with no obligations to any society or the world, with no emotional connections to any other human being. It is about looking at yourself, with no traces of anything of the outside of the world. To see your scars, your flaws, the dents in your body, too transverse your body into an image of your inner self and then meeting with that person, getting to know that person; a person that lives inside of you, whose existence you are doing everything to deny.
Because we are so busy pretending that their isn’t anyone inside of us, we lose it. The constant attacks, the sieges, the threats, the ignorance, the hypocrisy, is what drives that person inside, further inside, into a galaxy that the world have not even discovered yet. How can you ever find yourself in that galaxy, the one which you have heard of but can’t get past the one you are living in.
The raw meat of thy flesh,
Your true self in its most naked land,
Will blow of; as if particles of sand,
In a galaxy, you haven’t even gushed at.
Until we become brave enough to accept the true nakedness of our nature, their isn’t anything all the wilderness in the world can do for our lost self; for it is inside we need to look and it is inside we are the most afraid to look.