A shoulder to lean on; someone with whom you could share the burden heavy on the shoulders.
These are the words you grow up hearing. The promise that someone will be there, no matter what. Your good and your ugly, they’ll stick by you in all odds. However, the times may get, at the end of the day you’ll have their shoulder to lean on and feel safe.
The stance of these words itself is so magical that you have no option to fall for the mirage.
Unfortunately, before you get to feel safe, chaos happens; inside out. Your world falls apart and the shoulder you were so eager to lean on disappears, leaving behind in its wake, a tornado of misunderstood things, which you can’t get a wisp of.
For so long now I have been waiting for that one person. The one who’d let me lend them half of all my burdens but what I had interpreted these words to mean was something entirely different from what they actually meant.
I wanted to find ”that” person because I was living under the illusion that they’d save me. That I’d be all comfortable and take the glory without actually doing anything. I wouldn’t have to carry any luggage and wouldn’t have to be responsible for myself but mostly, I want desperately looking for that one for they were meant to save my life without myself having to feel anything.
That person didn’t have to be someone I’d be romantically involved with. It could have been anyone from friends to family to complete stranger, just someone.
Needless to say, I did not find that person. I think I know why.
You see, my perception was completely wrong. I was supposed to save myself and be responsible for myself. I had to be alive in my life, myself. My luggage was always my alone and no one will ever carry it for me because that is not how it works.
It works in the way that you become independent in and out, yourself. You become responsible for your actions and deeds. You have to be alone in the raw atmosphere, exposed to the possibility of everything vile imaginable. Then to live out that possibility, to come out surviving or not does matter. What matters is that you have to do everything by yourself; be a person, a human being; capable of emotions and mistakes. And live out those mistakes and the guilt of it all, all alone.
Then I think you find that person, when you become aware of the person, you yourself are. And when you do, you tell them the things you want, and they sit there in the silence, listening to it all, only to make you realize all the things you have lived and how gracefully you have lived them. They lend you a shoulder for you to see yourself in a new perceptive before you start walking on your own again.