Such a scary word.
What happens when someone you know dies??
If it’s someone from the family, then I guess its better because everyone in your house is sad and depressed. In such a case, you put up a brave face and console your family. Everyone is sad, It falls on you, to be there for them.
If the death is of your friend.
Okay, its complicated then.
It’s YOUR friend, so only you can feel the pain and not your family. They can not possibly understand it. It’s your loss and not theirs. They can try and be there for you and try and console you but it doesn’t seems to work.
They will be in that phase for sometime with you but soon, all those laughter and normal happy life begins. They get back in their life.
You on the other hand, still remain suffering.
Now, you have to put up a face of not be so much hurt because then it gets awkward with your family. But also some part of your body does not want you to get back to your normal life because you know there once was someone out their, who stopped breathing. And you’ll never see them again or feel their silent presence among yourself.
There is something else that you feel. You feel bad at yourself, anger rising up in your throat for yourself. Why? Because you don’t think you are as sad and hurt over that someone’s death as you ought to be. You blame yourself for not feeling enough.
All these feelings rise up in your chest and you lie on your bed. Silent. Doing nothing. Not thinking about anything either. You just lay there numb. You suddenly, don’t know what to do with yourself.
Time stops. No, it does not stops, you just start feeling it because in those seconds, you realize how fragile life really is.
In those seconds I guess, is when you are truly alive.
But then does someone have to die to make you feel alive.
That’s not good.
We humans, are taught to be so calculated. That even on death, we stop and think how many tears you should shed. It should not have to look weird, that you are too much hurt. People can laugh at that.
That’s hypocrisy and we are all hypocrites.
Death is death. It’s final. It never leaves you. You can never forget that person. Never. They live in you head. You keep on remembering them from time to time.
They were once a part of your life. And now they are not. Now they are gone.
That smile vanished, miles away sparkling into stardust.
No, matter what you can never get used to death. Doesn’t matter how many deaths have you experienced.
2 of my friends died two years ago and now 1 died today. She was a class-fellow. But I knew her and we have some memories, so yes, she is a friend.
Those two years ago, knocked on my door, kissed me on the cheek, patted my back and brought with them all I had experienced back then.
Now, time has stopped for me. I am alive. My brain numb. Hiding my feelings from my family.
Bibi Aziza will always stay with me. Her quickness and simplicity, I can never forget.
Nor can, I get used to death.
And that my friends,
Scares the he’ll out of me.